'The Secret' Rescues Anal Cherry

If you ever find yourself serving 3-5 years in prison for defecating in someone's mailbox be sure you read Chapter 6 of The Secret. If only I could stab the Bar Exam in the neck with a toothbrush then maybe I wouldn't feel like I'm being anally raped on a daily basis. Too bad Najeh Davenport didn't get a hold of The Secret before he pooped in his girlfriend's dorm room closet.

BC Does it Again

Honestly I have to admit...I have a sports boner right now. Boston College never ceases to disappoint their Superfans. It was just this past Sunday night that BC pulled off an epic upset by knocking off top-ranked and previously unbeaten North Carolina in Chapel Hill. In typical BC fashion they pull off a major win only to follow it up with a thud louder than Michael Clarke Duncan punching a swordfish.

Tonight 24th ranked BC faced a Harvard squad that was 7-6 and had never beaten a ranked team. Well of course that is until tonight!

So, thank you BC for giving me this tremendous sports boner. While it might not be as thick as a murder boner it still needs a good rub.

SI Blogger Rips Boston Sports

Sports Illustrated blogger, Andrew Perloff is an absolute joke. His latest blog is so infuriating it has me about to defend Boston College!?!?

Here's what Perloff writes about BC:
Boston College's handling of football coach Jeff Jagodzinski is the latest example of a Boston team shooting itself in the foot. The Eagles have reached a consistent level of success, winning 10 games the last two seasons, and all of a sudden they have to play big man on campus and teach their coach a lesson for talking to an NFL team.

Dude, honestly, before you blog get your facts straight. Coach Jags didn't win 10 games the last two seasons. The Eagles were a mediocre 9-5 this season and snapped their 8-game bowl winning streak by losing to Vandy in the Gaylord Bowl. Jags did nothing that put BC's football program on a higher level than it was when he got there two seasons ago, and AD Gene DeFilippo had every right to can him. DeFilippo warned him not to talk to the Jets and Jags did so anyways even though he was nothing more than longshot for the job.

Now let's move on to the real sports...Perloff knocks Theo and the Sox for trading away Manny, the Pats for cheating and the C's for even mentioning Marbury. The Sox made it to the ALCS where did your beloved Yankees go? Oh that's right they didn't make the playoffs did they. Yeah, great they outspent the world again but didn't they do that with guys like Pavano, Irabu, Contreras or do you just forget those names when it doesn't suit your blog. Want to rip the Pats? Belichick possibly had his best coaching job this season losing Brady, Harrison, Thomas, more RB's hurt than any team other than the Broncos and no secondary. With all that said the Pats still finished 11-5 and were the first team in over 25 years not to make the playoffs with that record, but no seriously Boston sports is on a backslide into mediocrity right? Oh you want to talk about the C's? Defending champs and started the season by breaking a record going 27-2. Where were you when they were tearing teams apart? Yeah they're in a little funk right now no question and yes there are some solid teams out there who can challenge the C's but to think this team is completely done is a joke.

How does this guy have a job with SI? Perloff do you even base your blogs on facts? I fuckin' hate you for making me defend BC. Here's a fact...you haven't had your penis touched by a woman.

Michael Clarke Duncan Danza Slaps a Swordfish

I know what you're thinking...who would win in a Danza slap contest: Michael Clarke Duncan or Visanthe Shiancoe? I'd say let's move on and endlessly quote lines from the most anticipated film of 2009...The Slammin' Salmon.

"You have to dominate the swordfish, only then can you saute it." - Michael Clarke Duncan

The boys from Broken Lizard are back and their latest film The Slammin' Salmon shows they're up to their same ol' shenanigans.

"How is everybody feline this evening."

Here's the full summary as listed on imdb:

The brutal former heavyweight boxing champion Cleon "Slammin'" Salmon (Duncan), now owner of a Miami restaurant, institutes a competition to see which waiter can earn the most money in one night: the winner stands to gain $10,000, while the loser will endure a beating at the hands of the champ.

Slammin' Salmon is set to debut at this year's Sundance Film Festival. "Who wants cream"?

Basketball + Shenanigans = Fried Gold

Mark "The Shark" Titus runs a relatively new and absolutely fuckin' hilarious blog (college version of Paul Shirley) called Club Trillion. Titus is a 6-4 Junior guard who rarely gets any run for The Ohio State Buckeyes. While his jumpshot is about as wet as an 80-year-old porn star's vagina the dude can write.

Here's a brief excerpt from his second post:

I spent a majority of the scrimmage talking to two 8 year old kids who told me their names were "Drake and Josh." I called shenanigans on this. The kid who said his name was Josh then decided to claim that his name was "Gake" and I again called shenanigans. I was finally informed his name was "Jake" and since I rarely call shenanigans more than twice a day, I decided to let it slide. So Drake and Jake explained to me that the funniest thing ever would be to put a Sweet Tart in my water bottle. I told them the funniest thing ever could probably be found on YouTube. Jake then told me that he has a locker room pass and I told him I wasn't impressed in the slightest because I have a locker room pass too. And since I didn't see Jake in the locker room after the scrimmage, I assume that this kid is on the fast track to a life of breaking girls' hearts and eventually being arrested for fraud and embezzlement.

If you need a clearer definition of the word shenanigans click here.

'CSI: Miami' Greatest Worst Show

Honestly there's not a whole lot to say here since the show speaks for itself. I know I'm 6+ years late to the party, but over the last two weeks my fiance got me hooked on CSI: Miami and my life has drastically changed for the better. Lt. Horatio Caine without a doubt is the greatest character in the history of television and if you don't believe me, well then watch for yourself. A big thanks to Monty (recently admitted his CSI: Miami sickness) for sending me the video that will surely prevent me from studying for the Bar Exam over the next two months.

David Caruso has somehow brainwashed his co-workers into thinking the man's a genius.

Dickie V Heads to the NBA...Check Out These Retards

ESPN is pulling the ol' switch-a-roo having Dick Vitale call an NBA game this upcoming Wednesday night. Does anyone care? Was this meant to help boost ratings for the NBA? Dwayne Wade vs. Carmello Anthony and ESPN had to resort to this? At least we're getting some great promo material from this, check out this video filled with some of the worst impressions of all time. George Karl looks really excited and Dirk Nowitzki is giving Ben Stiller a run for his money with his Simple Jack impression.

"I think you've got a fine brain Dirk." Special thanks to New York correspondent Joey for sending this video along.

BC Upsets UNC, NESN Upsets Superfans

Last year Tyrese Rice singlehandedly almost brought down North Carolina scoring a career-high 46 points at home. Tonight, Rice, didn't have to carry the load (although many Superfans like to swallow loads) in Chapel Hill as the Eagles pulled off the biggest upset of the young college basketball season beating the top-ranked Tar Heels 85-78.

My favorite part of the game came with about 90 seconds left to play and UNC was trying to mount a comeback. Down 6, UNC grabbed an offensive board and was fouled. After that NESN randomly cut to commercial and decided to return to the action with seven seconds left. Can you just picture a room full of "Superfans" giving each other reach-arounds wondering what happened to the game? The trailer for The Unborn ran several times during this break and I don't know one person who plans on seeing this piece of shit but if there's a group of people who would...it's a room full of Superfans.

Rice led the Eagles tonight with 25 points and 8 assists while Rakim Sanders chipped in with 22 points, 6 rebounds and 7 steals. Mr. October himself, Reggie Jackson, provided a spark off the bench dropping 17 points on Psycho T and the rest of the Heels.

The Eagles are now 13-2 (1-0) on the season and host Harvard (minus Method and Red) before getting back into ACC action. The Eagles dropped a tight contest on a neutral site against now 9th ranked Purdue and lost on the road against a mediocre St. Louis squad. So where does this leave the Eagles? At 13-2 and this road win against top-ranked UNC the Eagles seem to be building a solid Tourney resume. My bet is that BC finishes 9-7 in the ACC 22-9 overall, which should land them somewhere around a 6 seed making this squad ripe to be upset in the first round of the tourney. I almost like it even more when the Superfans are given hope and then it's ripped right out of their ass.

So let's see...the Pats weren't in the playoffs this weekend, douchebag Phillip Rivers won, the Cardinals and Eagles advanced, Celtics lost to the Knicks and BC upset UNC. Can 2009 get any worse?

'Seven Pounds'.....of Feces

Before this movie was released here is what the "Buzz" on IMDB had to say:

Prepare to feel depressed, then uplifted, for a second time by Will Smith and his Pursuit of Happyness director Gabriele Muccino. Just like in Hancock, a hidden story angle that will reveal itself in time; equally concealed -- make that non-existent -- are any early-bird nominations for Smith's performance, which has been tipped for his third Best-Actor nomination.

There must have been tremendous pressure on greenish screenwriter Grant Nieporte to deliver, and I've seen plenty of support for his script. I thought Happyness' screenplay was wispy, but that didn't prevent it from international success, so I have to surmise that Smith's bulletproof career is in no danger of taking a dent this holiday season, even if he made a few enemies in LA this time around.

My favorite part above is this line: "A hidden story angle that will reveal itself in time." What? Are you kidding me here? If by hidden you mean that the movie opens with Will Smith calling 9-1-1 to report a suicide only to reveal it's his suicide and then two more hours leading up to said "hidden" suicide then yes this "will reveal itself in time," such as the first five minutes of the film. Oh, and no, I'm not sorry that I just ruined the movie for you the way the movie ruins itself in the first five minutes. I've seen a lot of crap in my day and I do usually enjoy Smith's roles but this movie is garbage. Whoever is writing the "the buzz" sections on imdb needs to do a better job of actually seeing these movies before making downsyndrome-like statements.

World's Second Analrapist?

Looks like this referee wanted to get in on the fun during the Arizona Cardinals sort of upset win at home over the Atlanta Falcons. During a touchdown celebration it looks like the ref really jams his thumb in there raising the question is he now the world's second Analrapist?

Here's the world's first ever Analrapist...enjoy!

Starbury to Boston?

When I first heard rumors that the Celtics were interested in bringing Stephon Marbury to Boston I threw up in my mouth a few times and swallowed at least once. All the bad cliches attached to Marbury seemed to be true. The guy is a cancer in the locker room, he puts up big numbers but doesn't make his team better (hello Shareef Abdur Rahim), blah blah blah.

Then Marbury wrote a personal blog for the NY Post right before the New Year and dropped this amazing quote: "it's really not about the money but it's about the money. Feel me?" Honestly, has to be the best quote of 2008. That line is straight out of Wet Hot American Summer when Gene is trying to teach Coop "A New Way."

Click here to learn the New Way.

But I digress...back to Marbury joining the C's. I started to take a look at some of Marbury's numbers and man this guy was productive for a long time and he's only 31. I'm now coming around and if Ainge brings Marbury in to back up Rondo I'm on board. I think this is a very Belichick-ian move by Ainge. No way to lose. The C's seem to have a strong team mentality with their starting five, Eddie House and head coach Doc Rivers and I don't think any one player can rip that apart. Also, in case Marbury doesn't work out then the C's can let him go with no major salary hit. The one issue I do see is that Marbury will be coming in mid season. When Belichick has made moves for players like Marbury i.e. Corey Dillon and Randy Moss both players went through training camp and preseason with the Pats before the regular season.

Marbury will fill the role that they hoped ET Cassell would fill last season. Marbury is a veteran point guard who can create his own shot and break down defenders to get into the paint. He would serve as a huge spark for the inconsistent second unit and will free Eddie House up to just spot up and shoot. Also his ability to penetrate should take pressure off our inexperienced and undersized reserve big men Powe and Big Baby.

Call me crazy but I'm buying into Marbury's recent blog post. Here's some other excerpts from the other day:

"People who know me know I'm in the best shape of my life," Marbury wrote. ". . . Bottom line, I came to camp with the right attitude, in shape and ready to play. I didn't come to be a distraction."

"I didn't want to be a distraction for the team first and me second. I honestly came to help the team win. Real talk. I was willing to put in the work necessary to earn my starting spot and humble enough to accept coming off of the bench."

"It was unfortunate that the coach wanted to go in a different direction and didn't want me to be part of the team. I just wish it had been handled correctly from jump. I could understand the fact they didn't want Chris Duhon looking over his shoulder, but if you don't want me just pay me and let me go. I just want to play basketball."

Let's hope Steph can reach a buyout with the Knicks and that 2009 is the year Marbury proves his critics wrong helping the C's raise Banner 18! Hey, if a can of vegetables can suck its own dick why can't Marbury become a team player?